its been a tough couple of days, so much has happened. things i didn’t expect, things im terrified of. when i was younger i used to fear these kind of things. i always used to wonder how sad kids were when they lost their parents. i felt bad for all the abandoned kids, because i was always so happy with my parents. im 22 years old and my father has passed and my mom has recently diagnosed with cancer. this is crazy. like…. how did i end up to be that kid ? i always ask if i ever did anything to deserve this. my mom over everything does not deserve this. she’s so pure and an amazing woman. i wouldn’t trade her for the world. i cannot fathom the things that have been put on my path. how did i get so unlucky?

my friends and family have been a major support. something i never truly treasured as much as i’ve realized that i should. i can’t imagine what i would be if i was alone on all of this. even with all the love and support, i still feel so off. i’m usually up and at it, but i just have nothing in me that wants to feel that way. it’s weird, because i know my mom is going to be okay, yes she needs kemo and we need to completely get rid of it, but that is going to happen and she’s going to be alright. i just feel down. im disappointed in myself. i’ve taken so many things for granted & i was living a reckless life. there’s so many things i’ve could’ve done differently. 

i obviously cant look back and mend on things i wish were different, but to move forward and do things correctly. appreciate what i have and live in everything i do. most of all, pushing forward with my mom to recovery. i never want to be put in this position again. i need my parents in my life & i’ve only got one left. 

ahhh okay, that felt good.